Well happy birthday to me.
The purpose of this blog isn’t really going as planned. I hardly write on here.
Anyways a birthday with out a greeting from my best friend. It really sucks. You know when you’re just about to get ready to deactivate your account, Facebook try’s to guilt trip you out of doing so by listing people that will “miss you”? Funny as a picture of my best friend appears my heart literally stopped. I miss my best friend dearly. He was the only one who truly understood me. I miss our talks. I miss his uncanny way of making me laugh. I miss his jokes. I miss spending time watching movies. I miss talking about music especially about Sleeping with Sirens. I just miss everything. It’s unfair having to lose your best friend to the fuckery of cancer. Fuck cancer. I’ve lost 2 important people to cancer. I really and deeply hope that one day someone discovers a cure for ALL cancers. That is my birthday wish. A cure. A day of supposed celebration to celebrate the day of my arrival into this so called earth. Sadly it’s hardly a celebration at all. All i want is my best friend and my aunt back. Oh, and of course a cure for cancer. Well this day is about to end. And in just 3 minutes my birthday will be over. Hooray. Finally 21. I really miss you David.
The sole purpose of me making this tumblr was for me to vent and express my thoughts and feelings. Yet I’ve always kept my them to myself. It’s easy isn’t it? To write- or in my case to type- what is on my mind and having it flow easily down to my fingertips as it stretches across my keyboard furiously typing away. Easy Peasy, right? No. Its challenging actually. Its difficult for me to articulate my thoughts. Sometimes I feel as if my thoughts are too complex for me to make sense of it all. Or sometimes its puzzling for me to express my feelings exactly. There are times when I feel like I have all my thoughts correctly and organized for me to clearly state them, but as I get ready to convey them I loose it and everything is a jumble mess. Thoughts are never organize, however. Thoughts are continuous and all over the mind. Its hard to find a “file” to place one’s thoughts, especially if these thoughts have many nonsense and answers.
My main point?
- Thoughts are endless with many to no answer.
- Thoughts continuously jump from one thought to another branching out more possible thoughts.
- My feelings and thoughts are hard for me to express with a clear understanding.
- Expressing my feelings and thoughts is challenging.
- Thoughts, thoughts, thoughts.
-Feelings, feelings, feelings.
In conclusion, it is a challenge for me to evince my feelings and thoughts articulately. My thoughts and feelings are out of control and all over the place. Its hard to grasp them before it slips away. And I am not even sure if any of this made sense.
This took such a huge amount of time and effort to write such a short piece. I am drained and I have little mental energy left. I am not willing to spend that last bit to proofread and correct any mistakes I’ve made. Goodnight my little tumblr page I am off to energize my mind with a little of Pink Floyd.
Things have been a bit off since the past week. I have hundreds of thoughts that come and go. Tonight on the drive home, things caught up to me. My throat began to tighten, my vision began to blur. I will myself not to cry so I blinked a couple of times and my vision cleared. Then I thought I was going to be okay, but the tightness of the throat was still present. As unsafe as it was, I was unaware of my whole drive. I was mentally absent, busy over thinking everything and trying to reason with myself. I have a tendency to overthink things and I hate it. Later, I found myself pacing around my room. My mind was racing all over the place. Having all these emotions hitting me all at once was hard to handle. My shoulder slumped with defeat and my heart was heavy once more. I am tired. I am always tired. Finally, I allowed myself to cry. But as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t.
Its been long overdue making this “secret” tumblr. Words hardly spoken become words being written. This will be my release. My way of writing whatever that comes to mind and a way to speak the burden that heavily weighs down my heart. Here I go.